In Honor of My Buddy Slowfo

Apologies to my buddy Marc, to whom i was supposed to give this space. You get the next post.

But in honor of my friend Slowfo who gave us both a brilliant review and cautionary warning of the Kendrick Bros flop flick Facing the Giants, I give you haroldvincent2008's review of Kendrick's latest motion picture chic track, Fireproof. Harold had the courage to post his review to an otherwise positive blog space. Have to admit, the guy had me tears.

haroldvincent2008 said...

"I was unfortunate enough to see this movie at an industry preview. Think of the worst Lifetime movie you've ever seen (or seen an ad for) and scramble it with the worst idea for a Hallmark movie that ever got rejected and tossed in the garbage. What do you get? Read on:

If non-Christians are the target audience then I'm baffled as to what on earth the producers think is going to be the appeal here.

If Christians are the audience then I'm baffled as to what on earth the producers think is going to be the appeal here.

The promoters of this film are constantly sending out e-mails BEGGING people to buy hundreds (or thousands) of tickets so that the movie will have a good opening weekend. I suppose they realized that this thing ain't gonna sell itself. Churches have better things to spend money and time on than paying for otherwise empty seats just because these people made a crappy movie.

Christians need to realize that supporting a movie just because other Christians made it is really lame. Then again, I guess if you're the type of person who buys into the crock message in FACING THE GIANTS (the misguided notion that you'll get anything and everything you want if you just pray for it) then there's really no getting through to you.

And now to save you the trauma of sitting through anything longer than the trailer:

FIREPROOF is a movie about a fireman who... are you ready? NEVER FIGHTS A FIRE. The most harrowing act of bravery is right there in the trailer... they move a car off of the railroad tracks. Other than that, Kirk Cameron crawls under a house to escape a fire, but that's about it.

As for the whole marriage problem... it pretty much falls apart because Kirk is pissed that his wife didn't make dinner. I kid you not. That is what this entire movie rides on. The woman didn't cook. Sadly, this isn't played for laughs. We're supposed to take it ever so seriously.

A couple days later Kirk gets mad because the wife ate all pizza before he got home from not fighting fires all day. Kirk erupts in a violent bout of acting, the likes of which I hope to never see again, as he spews forth anger at this woman who dared to not make him dinner or save him a slice of supreme. That's the basis of their marital troubles.

Don't worry about the fact that Kirk is a fireman and there are actually scenes showing him cooking and eating at the firehouse. He wants more food and he wants it now! Given the physical aspects of his wife I'm doubtful that she wolfed down an entire Chicago style all by her lonesome... but it's easier to write a couple of fights about food than to come up with something substantial and compelling, right? I mean, so few people actually have marital troubles that you can't exactly do a bit of research and find some real-life inspiration. It's like a bad episode of the Honeymooners... although making any sort of comparison to FIREPROOF and The Honeymooners (or ANY other movie or TV show) is rather disrespectful of the Honeymooners (or ANY other movie or TV show).

That doesn't even matter... plot holes I can handle. Unexplained story elements I can forgive. Cheesy pointless setup that is supposed to provide the basis of an entire feature length film? No thank you.

The most unforgivable offense is the introduction of the "Love Dare" book... a diary that Kirk's father gives him that basically lists 40 nice things for him to do for his wife. It's nothing interesting or earth-shattering. Simple stuff, like make her coffee or dinner or pay her a compliment. To keep the movie from ending, Kirk's wife reacts negatively to the nice gestures and proceeds to start up an affair with a co-worker. We never see them physically involved, but the signs are there. He gives her cards and flowers, etc. Don't worry though... it's totally glossed over. It would make too much sense for that to actually become an issue, right? Focus on the food! We see more evidence of her having an affair than we do of Kirk's character supposedly looking at porn on the internet. The filmmakers (dare I call them that??) don't really show the computer screen, so it takes a while to figure out that Kirk has a porn addiction. It was tossed in like an afterthought.

According to FIREPROOF:

BIG MARITAL PROBLEM = NO DINNER.

TINY MARITAL PROBLEM = HUSBAND ADDICTED TO PORN.

It makes ZERO sense why KIRK'S WIFE IS STARTING AN AFFAIR WITH A CO-WORKER doesn't even equal TINY MARITAL PROBLEM.

All that to say that by the end of the movie wifey finally forgives Kirksey, even though he's the bad guy... and she NEVER EVEN APOLOGIZES for trying to hook up with the dude at work!!! Oh sure, Kirk goes and threatens to punch the guy (oh no!!), but then he never says a word about it to the wife. The whole thing comes across as her having had every right to start looking for love elsewhere. After all, her husband yelled at her for eating all the pizza!!

Throw in a few scenes of Kirk and his dad walking around some random woods where there happens to be a cross and I guess you've got all the requirements for a truly horrible movie that makes Christians look like pansies.

As if the movie wasn't silly enough, a representative from Provident Films (the distribution arm of Sony Pictures for this movie) had the audacity to stand up at the end and announce to the audience that the filmmakers had decided to actually write this fictional "Love Dare" plot device and sell it in the form of an actual book.

If you realize nothing else, realize this: the entire sham of a film that is FIREPROOF exists solely to sell a book that did not even come into being until after someone made a movie where this book magically saves a marriage, except it really doesn't. What the filmmakers apparently want you to do is throw down ten bucks to see this movie where they prove the book works, then get you to go out and buy it to save your own marriage... which I suppose just might work... as long as your marital problems don't extend beyond the simple question of WHY DID YOU EAT ALL MY PIZZA, WOMAN?!?!"